"Little Moab" with Logan
12 years ago
Friday, October 17, 2008
WARNING: this post will probably make you unhappy, dissapionted, and confused.
So everyone keeps telling me I should have this blog so they can know me better, and I just keep wanting to fill it with silly, trite anecdotes. The fact is that there are very important facts about me that none of the most important people in my life are aware of. This came up tonight when Angela mentioned that there was a great deal of ambiguity in the family concerning my beliefs about the church and my other beliefs. I don't talk about these things because I really don't think there is any way to reconcile the way I have chosen to live and the way my loved ones choose to. Or maybe I just don't want to make them sad. But the real reason is that I have been a coward. This is a very difficult subject to discuss and I am very ashamed and sorry, but I do not believe in the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints or any other. I am sorry. Really. But I will not change, and I have decided to stop trying to hide because there's nowhere to go, and no one is fooled. I have worked very hard to correct some the mistakes I made in my life before I joined the Navy, and I have. Don't mistake that for some kind of change of heart. For lack of a better term, I am R-rated. What we do is who we are. I am only ashamed of myself when I am around my family because I know this makes them unhappy because they think my actions make me unhappy. Does anyone get it yet? It's a self fulfilling prophecy. I drink, smoke, fornicate etc. and the only reason it makes me unhappy is because somebody told my mother that it would. Sure there are natural consequences for such risky behavior; I would know. But It's all part of life, and I love life. This is who I am. I am not hard hearted; I am wild and free. I know what you're thinking, because a part of me is just like you. I've heard all the same things in church about us apostates as you have. You all know I love you and I treasure my family above all things. But I will not fake it. Bieng a Mormon Is hard. Maybe I just don't have what it takes. I seriously doubt you understand, but at least now I have given you the opportunity to try.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Please! Give us some trite anecdotes! (just kidding)
I don't know that you've been a coward. You've been very sweet and respectful and careful not to be insensitive to your family's beliefs. That shows what a good guy you are, and have always been.
I guess I'm glad you've gotten that off your chest so we can understand better where you're coming from.
"the only reason it makes me unhappy is because somebody told my mother that it would" I wonder if that's really true. I think you're right that it's not like doing those things gets you struck down by lightning. But neither will those things bring you true happiness. There's a scripture I think of often about looking for happiness where happiness can never be found.
One place happiness can be found is with family. So I'm so happy you're here where we can love you more and know you better (at least via blog) and support you as you make yourself a healthy and productive and happy life.
WE LOVE YOU!
I second Ang - I love a good trite anecdote!
Oh Joshy, this was not a revelation to me. I've know this for a while. I don't remember if you and I have discussed it or if I just knew. But guess what - I love your guts anyway. This post does not make me unhappy, dissapointed or confused. I'm glad you started a blog and I can't wait to hear more from you - funny story, confesion, or a minds meanderings - I just like hearing from you.
Post a Comment